things I have learnt today

1) stress + cramps = panic.
2) when I hyperventilate for long enough my fingers, forearms, knees, toes and gums start to tingle.
 3) having a panic attack while biking is not as much fun as it sounds (intact it's even less).
4) best self calming technique I have found (figured it out today) is a stopwatch and a blanket cocoon...

Alone

Alone
Lonely
Sad

An outsider
Cut off
Pushed out

stuck

i can't seem to stop it today
sometimes the pain on the inside is too much to be able to show with a single scratch
i can't stop scratching
it's like a constant itch
the pain inside is a driving force
pushing me onwards
trying to make the pain physical
tangible
controllable
i feel like i'm being ripped apart
ravaged by monsters
waking nightmares
i'm trapped in my own head
i want to peel off my skin
scratch away the surface
i want it out of me
i think i need help but i'm scared
talking seems to make it worse
brings it to the surface
i don't seem to be able to bury it like i once could
i'm out of control
stuck in my mind
i don't know how to escape
i feel like i can't take much more
the hole is too deep
there's noone to find me
i can't be seen
i'm too heavy to lift anyway
even if they did find me
i can't make it stop
i just want to get out

feeling weird
dealing is hard sometimes
even harder when you're alone
i need to distract myself
keep my self distracted
i try
keeping busy all the time is tiring
but i need to do it
if i keep myself busy enough it's hard to find time to think
and it's harder to be lonely

sometimes the feelings get jumbled in my head
i don't know what i'm feeling or why i'm feeling it
i feel sad with no real reasoning
and then i'm fine
i think
when i'm not doing i think

sometimes i feel like crying
sometimes i feel like screaming
sometimes i feel like hurting
sometimes i feel like curling up and not moving
sometimes i feel nothing

Monsters

Sometimes i think too much- i shouldn't, thinking too much just opens the doors to the monsters. i need to learn when to think and when to live. i hurt myself again. sometimes i feel like a ghost drifting through life- people see me, people feel me, people know i'm there, they interact but i'm floating in my mist filled dream world- here but not present- alive but not connected. i feel i need to anchor myself to someone, something or i will drift off and never stop- i will lose myself behind the veil beyond my eyes, will disappear as i am and resurface cold, dead and detached from life. i feel to keep myself in this world i must resist being alone and must find solace in others, but at the same time i don't want to be weak and need is weakness so instead i find the company of  others but detach from them so i can be strong but then i don't stop thinking, i don't talk i just float anchored by the thin string attaching me to whoever is near- sometimes the string is not enough- i need a knot or a peg to tether me better- then i hurt myself- it acts as a constant reminder to stay present, here, to not float into the abyss. i don't cut or anything- i scratch- scratching's less obvious- easier to explain away- just as strong an anchor. if you concentrate on one area the anchor stays- it's a rythmic action- a dependable, controllable action- it's concentrated- it's sensory for me- i need the input and the repetition to get me through, to keep me weighted, to help lock the boxes and hide the monsters. my brain never stops, it won't let me rest- it urges me forward never stopping to think the thoughts running through may not be the best- if it would only stop for a little bit- it runs so fast i can't organise my thoughts into those that help and the ones that are useless. it goes to fast for me to keep up. i can't write what i think or what i feel because i don't truly know, why does it speed- when will the flow of endlessness slow- when will it let me rest and be fine again- why does it do this in a circular manner- all the thoughts come back to the same place and then play again- my mind is a record on repeat- they mount and build up, the bad thoughts from my life collect and gather and wait for the whirlwind around my skull- it lasts forever the tornado of thoughts- infecting my waking hours and my dreams- my dreams turn into conversation i will never have- they turn in images of myself broken and bloody- they turn into my life and in my dreams the thoughts never stop. i write and i write to try give them escape but they are stubborn. i need to find a way to break the cycle and put them all back into their boxes- a way to re-sort and compart all of my monsters- monsters hmmm that is a new term for me- it popped into my mind today- i'm still not certain what i mean by monsters- do i mean aspects of me??- do i mean thoughts?? the memories?? not one of these quite works- the term monsters covers all the badness in my mind- it is a broad term for me- it is a filler term for something i don't have a name for. maybe it will change over time when i become more aware of what it is i'm trying to describe but for now they are my monsters- My monsters in boxes.
                                                                                                                       10th july (night)

Compartments

Sometimes i wonder how i manage to be so normal, so happy, so grounded. i mean my childhood wasn't the greatest or the most normal- i've been through my shit and exited the other side mostly unscathed- how did i manage this?? maybe it's my ability to compartmentalise everything- it all gets put into a box, locked and put on a shelf- the monsters stay hidden. this system works for me- it keeps me sane, it keeps me happy, it keeps me grounded, it keeps me from breaking down breaking to pieces- and when the monsters try to escape it write, writing gets them out and keeps me safe, keeps me from hurting or feeling their sting so much. sometimes the monsters get out though- then i fall- i fall into the pit they create- i lose control- control i must regain if i am to survive. then i hurt. i fall so far i can no longer write- i can only sit- hide- hurt. it's hard to find a way out from that pit but i know i must- i never know how i manage but i always do. sometimes i stay there for days, sometimes weeks but then something will happen to help me up closer to the top, it brings me far enough out of the pit for me to climb the rest of the way out myself- to the point when i can write and clear the monsters from my head- put them all back in their boxes- back on the shelf and get myself back to safety. this is how i manage- it is how i've always managed- if i didn't i would go mad. writing- pain- exercise, these are my saviours, and a wicked ability to put everything into boxes on the shelf.
                                                                                                                  10th july (day)

feeling amazing

wow so for the first time in my life i am high... or am i tripping... i am something, that's what i am...
my brain is divided into left and right... left is currently typing this while right is half watching merlin but mostly just giggling and looking at pretty colours :D

i had a shower before... never knew a shower alone could be that awesome... droplets seemd to grow out of the roof (like water droplets but faster) and then pretty lines formed connecting them... these then turned into like 3d mist rainbow patterns... it was fantastic...

i was looking at the door through the water and it appeared to be made of honeycomb shapes... and it wasn't the same not through the water... then the lines between the shapes became a plan and a tiger and a bird and a face and dozens of other things all at once... but only through the water... it was amazing.

my brain has completely seperated ... one half watching and analysing while the other looks at the pretty things and hears the echoing sounds... my left brain says ok time for clothes and my left says yes but satin pjs and inside out because it's better... now i'm watching the adventures of merlin... night

the whole thing is amazing
i feel amazing

goodnight

Discovering Self

So I guess I'm still figuring shit out. This year I made a wee resolution to myself when unpacking my clothes into my new flat- I realised that I actually own quite a few dresses and skirts, upon this realisation I decided that I will attempt to wear them more often- at first I saw this as a challenge to myself, a removal of my comfort zone that I have found myself falling into, the zone of identifying as butch, I wore ties, pants, waistcoats- I was stuck into my own little box, I couldn't be anything else, I had to butch. I wasn't/couldn't be pretty, I had to be butch. Until the ultimatium to myself- wear more dresses- so i did... and enjoyed it. I found myself enjoying myself in dresses and skirts- enjoying my feminity- I found I could still be myself in skirts, dresses, garter belts and heels, I found myself trying to make excuses for reasons to wear skirts or dresses- for some reason i needed an excuse, I couldn't wear one just because I wanted to... until very (very) recently. Thursday just gone (28th march) I found myself (once again) getting ready for my regular drinks night and I found myself wearing... a skirt, for no reason than I wanted to. I also found myself teaming it up with a shirt, sweater vest, instead of going more femme with my top half as I usually would, because I wanted to... I wore boots with fishnets... a garter belt teamed with suspenders... I wore eyeliner and a touch of eyeshadow... because I felt like it... I wore what I wanted and I felt comfortable... I felt good... I felt like me... and I felt less self concious of how I look than in a loooooooong time... it was fantastic.
I feel like I am rediscovering myself. I feel like i am becoming myself. I am becoming more me than ever... and I am LOVING IT!!!!

Panic

It comes and goes
the pain
the panic
the sad desire
where it comes from i know not
it comes like a storm
slowly brewing
forceful it takes hold
the darkness grows around my mind
intercepting my thoughts
influencing my dreams
controlling my decisions
holding me in its grasp
i fear it will never relinquish
it will never release
it comes and it goes
the pain
the panic
the sadness

I am writing this letter because I feel there is stuff I have never been able to say to you and I have learnt that bottling up my emotions does not help.
You are my mother, and I love you but I feel you weren’t really there during my childhood. I know you were studying and working etc. so that you could earn the money to buy Natt and I the things I needed and for that I don’t resent you a thing, however I still feel you were absent… the happiest times I can remember in my childhood were the times spent at Wendy and Rachel’s, there I felt like a family unit, there I would be tucked into bed with a kiss on my head and a story being read… I do not remember having that experience with you… whether or not it didn’t happen or I just don’t remember it I don’t know.

I also feel there were times you were too focused on Natalea to worry about me. I know this was probably since she was running away and getting into trouble but once again I felt I was neglected, one occasion I remember vividly was when I was about 8/9 (we were in Lonsdale st at any rate) and you had dashed off, because Natalea was up to something somewhere, telling me to put myself to bed while I was having dinner, I did and then Shadow (the cat) came and sat on my stomach… the pressure exerted by the weight of the cat then caused me to vomit up my dinner all the way down the hallway… I was upset and sick… and you were absent… this feels to me like the theme of my life. Even before Natt started getting into trouble… it was to her I was usually sent if I wanted a cuddle… it was to her I was sent it I was hurt… it was to her I was sent if I felt sick… then it was to her I just went without being sent.

Even now I do not feel I can come to you when I need advice… I still turn to Natt, or Jenna, or Rachel, or Wendy… we don’t really talk you and I, we don’t share the important things, we make small talk, or work talk, or TMI banter, this was the way I was raised and I now find it hard to communicate my feelings without the use of type… now I cannot talk… I feel emotionally stunted by my upbringing… I am sure this is not entirely due to you and the choices you made to do with the way you raised me but it is my feelings.

There were also times when I was growing up where you tortured me about my weight, body fat, or looks… this was unbearable at the time, and is still hard for me when you continue to do so. The brunt of this was when I was about 14/15, I had just completely quit gym, wasn’t doing much circus, and was hitting puberty full on, you and Natalea were both consistently on at me about my weight… telling me I was getting fat, asking me condescendingly if I really needed to eat that much or go back for seconds or whatever… those words fucking hurt. You didn’t know it but at the time I was battling within myself over my sexuality and attempting to squash it and come to terms with it. During these years in my life I was already seriously contemplating suicide and your constant taunting and contemptuous remarks did not help in the least. There was a time when I had a whole method of how I was going to kill myself and the letter I would write before I did all figured out, the fact you were never at home was an added bonus to this plan. I see now, looking back on those days, that those years are the reason for my low body image I have of myself these days; there is not a single day since I was 15 when I have looked at my body and liked what I see, there are days where I can see the good parts to my body and feel ok about it but more often I only see the bad. I was asked, not so long ago, what it is I like about my body, all we had to do was write it down it was just for our own eyes and we had 20 minutes, I couldn’t think of a single thing… I still have trouble thinking of something… after this exercise we were asked what we don’t like, I had trouble narrowing down the options. This is not entirely your fault, it is also to do with the fact I am a female I’m sure, but a lot of it I feel has to do with those years where I was, it seems, almost constantly put down and tormented about the way I looked. I am certain this wasn’t and isn’t your aim behind those comments, as you do still make them on occasion, but I need you to know how they made me feel at the time, these days I am slightly more confident in myself, as I have more friends and more people who love me, but they still cut deep and at times draw me close to the edge again. I have noticed the happier you get with your body the less remarks you make about mine so as to how much the remarks you were making was due to your lack of confidence or love towards your own body I don’t know but I can’t help feeling a connection there.

Your feelings towards me due to my sexuality are also hard for me to handle… I realise and honour you for the fact you are getting better and more tolerant but can’t help but feel that this could just be because I don’t currently have a girlfriend… I feel you are still thinking I am going through a phase, that one day I will wake up and realise that I want nothing more than to go find myself a boyfriend… THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN!!!!!!! I am sorry but it won’t, I AM GAY. I like to date females, I like to make out with females, I like to look at females, I like to fuck females,
 I AM AND WILL ALWAYS BE A LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!!
I am sorry if those words are hard for you to read but they are true and the sooner you accept that fact fully the better and happier we will both be… I hope one day instead of blaming different people for ‘making’ me gay you will be thanking them for helping me feel comfortable enough about myself and my sexuality to come out. To be honest mum (with the exception of Laura) I was gay before I met any of the people you have blamed… and Laura definitely did not make me gay... I was gay at 11, probably before, I figured it out in myself when I was 15 then met the people who made me comfortable in myself and my feelings at 17… by the time I told you I was gay I had known for quite some time. Your reaction to my coming out hurt more than you could possibly imagine, especially as it was utterly unexpected. However you saying it was “against our religion”, to me, was most ridiculous… I had not attended church with you since I was about 10/11… and somewhat hypocritical as it did not appear to be “against our religion” for Natalea to have (at this point) two children out of wedlock… which is of course a sin in ‘your religion’. The ensuing argument between you and Natalea (which from what I could hear had nothing to do with me) for which Natalea then blamed me for was also hard to handle… as an emotional teenager who dislikes conflict… these I give to you as my final straws which caused me to move out.
I also wish to one day know what exactly happened between you and dad, the full story, as at this point I know the little you told me (which I feel is very much one sided) and some contradicting facts from another source… please do not ask who the source is and please do not text anyone in regards to the contradicting facts I have received. I feel I need to know the whole story and will eventually ask other people for their point of view of the facts also.

I do however have to thank you for raising me to be independent and self-reliant, I also thank you for bringing me up with the love of reading and gaining knowledge and a good understanding of how the body works and is structured. And for always making sure I had a roof over my head (even if at times it was a tent), food to eat (although often I made it myself), and activities to occupy my time. I also thank you for your more recent contributions to my life, such as giving me the awesome opportunity to join the coaching staff of your business, always making sure my pay goes through even if it means using your own money, and when I was in Welly often giving me loans on top of the $20 a week you were already giving me. These things have all helped me a lot and have my life easier, for this I thank you.

I love you and will always respect you for everything you gave up for me. I will always be thankful for the person you contributed to me becoming and I hope one day you will be able to fully accept me for who I am, and maybe one day in the future meet the girl who will become my wife, attend my wedding, and see my children (via IVF or adoption) grow up… Maybe one day you will be proud of me.

21

 I meant to post this ages ago but hey... here it is.

so here i am, a week out from 21,
working for my mother,
living alone,
sleeping alone,
i don't know where to go,
i don't know if what i'm doing is right,
does this continue,
will i continue
will i work for mum for the rest of time?
or follow my dreams and travel
i wish to travel
to perform, maybe
to rig, maybe
i wish to see, to taste, to smell.
i want the girl
maybe i should study, again
as i have grown i have gotten wiser, i have discovered myself more and more. i am still not entirely sure of me but i am learning. i am learning who i am with and wothout others, with and without a partner. i am learning my interests, my likes, my dislikes. living alone has taught me a lot about me, about how i deal in times of stress and distress. i have learnt not to let anyone try to change me but to let myself change when ready. to push the change never works it must happen in time. that quote "be the change you want to see" seomes to me at this point in my thoights, certain lifestyle choices can change quickly but seeing it on a larger scale still takes time and can't be forced just like in yourself. i have been out for nearly four years and have noticed the change happening in others when given time, it can take years but it can happen. There are quite a few things that i've had happen in my lifr that i'm proud of, coming out is one, living in a different city another, as well as living alone. The last is something i never thought would happen. Coming out is probably the biggest thing that has ever happened in my life and after i did i felt amazing (most of the time) certain people had issues with it but it's my life and made me happy, now i feel my life really only started after this point.
There are a few things i wish i could redo, such as CircoArts, i feel since i was first doing these things i have grown up and would be better able to take advantage of the opportunities given to me. Ahhh hindsight's a bitch. i'm looking forward to the year ahead, and all the opportunities it may bring, and where it may take me.
                                                  HERE'S TO THE FUTURE!!

new year post

so it is a new year... this blog previously was just for poetic thoughts that came to me in times of emotion, be it happy or sad... i think that is going to change this year... i'm thinking it shall be more of a journal of my thoughts and my life and a place to plan my plans...

so far 2013 is going quite well... i'm no longer living alone which is fantastic, i am flatting with 2 fantastic people who are awesome... i've got another job to add to working with my mum so i get a bit more money... and i habe plans for the future...

i am figuring out more of the true me... and where that person is heading.
at the moment i am planning on finding a circus school somewhere in Europe (looking at Finland or Hungary) and heading over in about 2 years, i have started taking private lessons with a friend to further improve my hand-balance and contortion... such fantastic pain :)
with these plans come an increased lightness in my being... i have a plan to get out of the rut i feel i'm stuck in... and it is fantastic

The light grows bright
the future clear
the plan is made
the path is here
it's easy to work
when you know where it leads
if it is to help you achieve the dream of your dreams
as the light grows bright
the future grows clear
the careful made plans
leads the path here