Sometimes i wonder how i manage to be so normal, so happy, so grounded. i mean my childhood wasn't the greatest or the most normal- i've been through my shit and exited the other side mostly unscathed- how did i manage this?? maybe it's my ability to compartmentalise everything- it all gets put into a box, locked and put on a shelf- the monsters stay hidden. this system works for me- it keeps me sane, it keeps me happy, it keeps me grounded, it keeps me from breaking down breaking to pieces- and when the monsters try to escape it write, writing gets them out and keeps me safe, keeps me from hurting or feeling their sting so much. sometimes the monsters get out though- then i fall- i fall into the pit they create- i lose control- control i must regain if i am to survive. then i hurt. i fall so far i can no longer write- i can only sit- hide- hurt. it's hard to find a way out from that pit but i know i must- i never know how i manage but i always do. sometimes i stay there for days, sometimes weeks but then something will happen to help me up closer to the top, it brings me far enough out of the pit for me to climb the rest of the way out myself- to the point when i can write and clear the monsters from my head- put them all back in their boxes- back on the shelf and get myself back to safety. this is how i manage- it is how i've always managed- if i didn't i would go mad. writing- pain- exercise, these are my saviours, and a wicked ability to put everything into boxes on the shelf.
10th july (day)
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