Sometimes i think too much- i shouldn't, thinking too much just opens the doors to the monsters. i need to learn when to think and when to live. i hurt myself again. sometimes i feel like a ghost drifting through life- people see me, people feel me, people know i'm there, they interact but i'm floating in my mist filled dream world- here but not present- alive but not connected. i feel i need to anchor myself to someone, something or i will drift off and never stop- i will lose myself behind the veil beyond my eyes, will disappear as i am and resurface cold, dead and detached from life. i feel to keep myself in this world i must resist being alone and must find solace in others, but at the same time i don't want to be weak and need is weakness so instead i find the company of others but detach from them so i can be strong but then i don't stop thinking, i don't talk i just float anchored by the thin string attaching me to whoever is near- sometimes the string is not enough- i need a knot or a peg to tether me better- then i hurt myself- it acts as a constant reminder to stay present, here, to not float into the abyss. i don't cut or anything- i scratch- scratching's less obvious- easier to explain away- just as strong an anchor. if you concentrate on one area the anchor stays- it's a rythmic action- a dependable, controllable action- it's concentrated- it's sensory for me- i need the input and the repetition to get me through, to keep me weighted, to help lock the boxes and hide the monsters. my brain never stops, it won't let me rest- it urges me forward never stopping to think the thoughts running through may not be the best- if it would only stop for a little bit- it runs so fast i can't organise my thoughts into those that help and the ones that are useless. it goes to fast for me to keep up. i can't write what i think or what i feel because i don't truly know, why does it speed- when will the flow of endlessness slow- when will it let me rest and be fine again- why does it do this in a circular manner- all the thoughts come back to the same place and then play again- my mind is a record on repeat- they mount and build up, the bad thoughts from my life collect and gather and wait for the whirlwind around my skull- it lasts forever the tornado of thoughts- infecting my waking hours and my dreams- my dreams turn into conversation i will never have- they turn in images of myself broken and bloody- they turn into my life and in my dreams the thoughts never stop. i write and i write to try give them escape but they are stubborn. i need to find a way to break the cycle and put them all back into their boxes- a way to re-sort and compart all of my monsters- monsters hmmm that is a new term for me- it popped into my mind today- i'm still not certain what i mean by monsters- do i mean aspects of me??- do i mean thoughts?? the memories?? not one of these quite works- the term monsters covers all the badness in my mind- it is a broad term for me- it is a filler term for something i don't have a name for. maybe it will change over time when i become more aware of what it is i'm trying to describe but for now they are my monsters- My monsters in boxes.
10th july (night)
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