stuck

i can't seem to stop it today
sometimes the pain on the inside is too much to be able to show with a single scratch
i can't stop scratching
it's like a constant itch
the pain inside is a driving force
pushing me onwards
trying to make the pain physical
tangible
controllable
i feel like i'm being ripped apart
ravaged by monsters
waking nightmares
i'm trapped in my own head
i want to peel off my skin
scratch away the surface
i want it out of me
i think i need help but i'm scared
talking seems to make it worse
brings it to the surface
i don't seem to be able to bury it like i once could
i'm out of control
stuck in my mind
i don't know how to escape
i feel like i can't take much more
the hole is too deep
there's noone to find me
i can't be seen
i'm too heavy to lift anyway
even if they did find me
i can't make it stop
i just want to get out

feeling weird
dealing is hard sometimes
even harder when you're alone
i need to distract myself
keep my self distracted
i try
keeping busy all the time is tiring
but i need to do it
if i keep myself busy enough it's hard to find time to think
and it's harder to be lonely

sometimes the feelings get jumbled in my head
i don't know what i'm feeling or why i'm feeling it
i feel sad with no real reasoning
and then i'm fine
i think
when i'm not doing i think

sometimes i feel like crying
sometimes i feel like screaming
sometimes i feel like hurting
sometimes i feel like curling up and not moving
sometimes i feel nothing