Thoughts in my head: February 2013

I am writing this letter because I feel there is stuff I have never been able to say to you and I have learnt that bottling up my emotions does not help.
You are my mother, and I love you but I feel you weren’t really there during my childhood. I know you were studying and working etc. so that you could earn the money to buy Natt and I the things I needed and for that I don’t resent you a thing, however I still feel you were absent… the happiest times I can remember in my childhood were the times spent at Wendy and Rachel’s, there I felt like a family unit, there I would be tucked into bed with a kiss on my head and a story being read… I do not remember having that experience with you… whether or not it didn’t happen or I just don’t remember it I don’t know.

I also feel there were times you were too focused on Natalea to worry about me. I know this was probably since she was running away and getting into trouble but once again I felt I was neglected, one occasion I remember vividly was when I was about 8/9 (we were in Lonsdale st at any rate) and you had dashed off, because Natalea was up to something somewhere, telling me to put myself to bed while I was having dinner, I did and then Shadow (the cat) came and sat on my stomach… the pressure exerted by the weight of the cat then caused me to vomit up my dinner all the way down the hallway… I was upset and sick… and you were absent… this feels to me like the theme of my life. Even before Natt started getting into trouble… it was to her I was usually sent if I wanted a cuddle… it was to her I was sent it I was hurt… it was to her I was sent if I felt sick… then it was to her I just went without being sent.

Even now I do not feel I can come to you when I need advice… I still turn to Natt, or Jenna, or Rachel, or Wendy… we don’t really talk you and I, we don’t share the important things, we make small talk, or work talk, or TMI banter, this was the way I was raised and I now find it hard to communicate my feelings without the use of type… now I cannot talk… I feel emotionally stunted by my upbringing… I am sure this is not entirely due to you and the choices you made to do with the way you raised me but it is my feelings.

There were also times when I was growing up where you tortured me about my weight, body fat, or looks… this was unbearable at the time, and is still hard for me when you continue to do so. The brunt of this was when I was about 14/15, I had just completely quit gym, wasn’t doing much circus, and was hitting puberty full on, you and Natalea were both consistently on at me about my weight… telling me I was getting fat, asking me condescendingly if I really needed to eat that much or go back for seconds or whatever… those words fucking hurt. You didn’t know it but at the time I was battling within myself over my sexuality and attempting to squash it and come to terms with it. During these years in my life I was already seriously contemplating suicide and your constant taunting and contemptuous remarks did not help in the least. There was a time when I had a whole method of how I was going to kill myself and the letter I would write before I did all figured out, the fact you were never at home was an added bonus to this plan. I see now, looking back on those days, that those years are the reason for my low body image I have of myself these days; there is not a single day since I was 15 when I have looked at my body and liked what I see, there are days where I can see the good parts to my body and feel ok about it but more often I only see the bad. I was asked, not so long ago, what it is I like about my body, all we had to do was write it down it was just for our own eyes and we had 20 minutes, I couldn’t think of a single thing… I still have trouble thinking of something… after this exercise we were asked what we don’t like, I had trouble narrowing down the options. This is not entirely your fault, it is also to do with the fact I am a female I’m sure, but a lot of it I feel has to do with those years where I was, it seems, almost constantly put down and tormented about the way I looked. I am certain this wasn’t and isn’t your aim behind those comments, as you do still make them on occasion, but I need you to know how they made me feel at the time, these days I am slightly more confident in myself, as I have more friends and more people who love me, but they still cut deep and at times draw me close to the edge again. I have noticed the happier you get with your body the less remarks you make about mine so as to how much the remarks you were making was due to your lack of confidence or love towards your own body I don’t know but I can’t help feeling a connection there.

Your feelings towards me due to my sexuality are also hard for me to handle… I realise and honour you for the fact you are getting better and more tolerant but can’t help but feel that this could just be because I don’t currently have a girlfriend… I feel you are still thinking I am going through a phase, that one day I will wake up and realise that I want nothing more than to go find myself a boyfriend… THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN!!!!!!! I am sorry but it won’t, I AM GAY. I like to date females, I like to make out with females, I like to look at females, I like to fuck females,
I AM AND WILL ALWAYS BE A LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!!
I am sorry if those words are hard for you to read but they are true and the sooner you accept that fact fully the better and happier we will both be… I hope one day instead of blaming different people for ‘making’ me gay you will be thanking them for helping me feel comfortable enough about myself and my sexuality to come out. To be honest mum (with the exception of Laura) I was gay before I met any of the people you have blamed… and Laura definitely did not make me gay... I was gay at 11, probably before, I figured it out in myself when I was 15 then met the people who made me comfortable in myself and my feelings at 17… by the time I told you I was gay I had known for quite some time. Your reaction to my coming out hurt more than you could possibly imagine, especially as it was utterly unexpected. However you saying it was “against our religion”, to me, was most ridiculous… I had not attended church with you since I was about 10/11… and somewhat hypocritical as it did not appear to be “against our religion” for Natalea to have (at this point) two children out of wedlock… which is of course a sin in ‘your religion’. The ensuing argument between you and Natalea (which from what I could hear had nothing to do with me) for which Natalea then blamed me for was also hard to handle… as an emotional teenager who dislikes conflict… these I give to you as my final straws which caused me to move out.
I also wish to one day know what exactly happened between you and dad, the full story, as at this point I know the little you told me (which I feel is very much one sided) and some contradicting facts from another source… please do not ask who the source is and please do not text anyone in regards to the contradicting facts I have received. I feel I need to know the whole story and will eventually ask other people for their point of view of the facts also.

I do however have to thank you for raising me to be independent and self-reliant, I also thank you for bringing me up with the love of reading and gaining knowledge and a good understanding of how the body works and is structured. And for always making sure I had a roof over my head (even if at times it was a tent), food to eat (although often I made it myself), and activities to occupy my time. I also thank you for your more recent contributions to my life, such as giving me the awesome opportunity to join the coaching staff of your business, always making sure my pay goes through even if it means using your own money, and when I was in Welly often giving me loans on top of the $20 a week you were already giving me. These things have all helped me a lot and have my life easier, for this I thank you.

I love you and will always respect you for everything you gave up for me. I will always be thankful for the person you contributed to me becoming and I hope one day you will be able to fully accept me for who I am, and maybe one day in the future meet the girl who will become my wife, attend my wedding, and see my children (via IVF or adoption) grow up… Maybe one day you will be proud of me.

I meant to post this ages ago but hey... here it is.

so here i am, a week out from 21,
working for my mother,
living alone,
sleeping alone,
i don't know where to go,
i don't know if what i'm doing is right,
does this continue,
will i continue
will i work for mum for the rest of time?
or follow my dreams and travel
i wish to travel
to perform, maybe
to rig, maybe
i wish to see, to taste, to smell.
i want the girl
maybe i should study, again
as i have grown i have gotten wiser, i have discovered myself more and more. i am still not entirely sure of me but i am learning. i am learning who i am with and wothout others, with and without a partner. i am learning my interests, my likes, my dislikes. living alone has taught me a lot about me, about how i deal in times of stress and distress. i have learnt not to let anyone try to change me but to let myself change when ready. to push the change never works it must happen in time. that quote "be the change you want to see" seomes to me at this point in my thoights, certain lifestyle choices can change quickly but seeing it on a larger scale still takes time and can't be forced just like in yourself. i have been out for nearly four years and have noticed the change happening in others when given time, it can take years but it can happen. There are quite a few things that i've had happen in my lifr that i'm proud of, coming out is one, living in a different city another, as well as living alone. The last is something i never thought would happen. Coming out is probably the biggest thing that has ever happened in my life and after i did i felt amazing (most of the time) certain people had issues with it but it's my life and made me happy, now i feel my life really only started after this point.
There are a few things i wish i could redo, such as CircoArts, i feel since i was first doing these things i have grown up and would be better able to take advantage of the opportunities given to me. Ahhh hindsight's a bitch. i'm looking forward to the year ahead, and all the opportunities it may bring, and where it may take me.
HERE'S TO THE FUTURE!!

Thoughts in my head

Sunday, 24 February 2013

21

Sunday, 17 February 2013

new year post

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