Tears in my eyes

As I lay on the floor with these tears in my eyes
I long for a hug
For a slight reprise
But there is no-one to give it
No-one is here
No-one to share in my burden of despair
As I lie and I wait
For what never will come
I think to myself
What if I'm done
The good years behind me
Only this is ahead
To lie on the floor
Tears in my eyes
To wait
And to wait
For that hug and reprise
As I lay on the floor
With these tears and these thoughts
I wish
Oh I wish
To just hear a voice
To see and to touch
I know I am real
To be able to share
With some-one this despair
As I lay on the floor with these tears in my eyes
For something
For some-one that never will come

Heavy

My eyes are heavy with tears
My heart is heavy with sorrow
My head is heavy with thoughts
My stomach is heavy with dread
My body is heavy with emotion
This feeling I feel sure will never fade
This feeling of heaviness
Of uselessness
Just a look
A touch
A word
I miss what I don't have
I miss what I want
I miss what I haven't yet achieved
All this adds up into a heaviness
Impossible to displace
I have failed
I am heavy

Worthless

Like the trash in the gutter
Like the gum on the pavement
Like the scraps in the bin
Like the empty container with no lid
This is me
This is what I am
Un-wanted
Un-useful
Un-needed
No good
This is all I am
What use is there
Why try
These are the questions in my head
The answers to which I do not have
Why do I bother
There is no success for one like me
I am nothing
I am worthless

Unsure

As my hopes for the future fade
I remain unsure
Is this what I want
Do I still want that
What is my plan
What is my path
I know what want
Why won't it work
Am I that bad
Nothing the way it's planned
Nothing the way I want it
Why won't it work
As I look to the future
I see only mist
Only shadow
My plans and hopes fade
Like the sea into the horizon
I am unsure of what comes next
Do I give up
Do I struggle on ever hoping
For a chance
The Chance
To prove my worth
To prove I can
I am no longer sure
No longer sure of my worth
No longer sure of my future
Unsure as it fades

Self

Self
The image you see
Myself
The image you are
It comes and goes
Here and there
Grows and shrinks
I hear myself berate me in the dark
I feel myself pinch me in the stillness
You will never achieve
You will never succeed
No-one wants you
No-one likes you
These self thoughts come
Swooping like birds
When you least expect
You believe
How can you not
If it is you saying these things

Friends

Smiles
Cuddles
Lovely friends
The friends who make me smile
With just a single thought
These are the family
Which I get to choose
These are the people close to my heart
The ones who are there
They are the ones who care
Smiles
Cuddles
Lovely friends

Unbidden

I know its wrong
I know its bad
But I still think of you when I'm sad
When you message me a smile appears
Unbidden
And it just won't go
My heart flutters at the mention of your name
And butterflys arrive in my stomach
They just won't fade
Thoughts of you in my head remain
Unbidden
I know its wrong
I know its bad
But I think I still love you
And it makes me sad

Ember

the embers burn with a pulsing flame
the calm washes over me again and again
how to tell how i feel
i wonder now if it will heal
this fear i know inside myself
will never fade it si for life
as the embers burn with pulsing flame
the calm comes to me once again

Go. Stay. Forwards. Backwards

to go

to stay

is it backwards

is it forwards

I can’t decide

I have already decided

My mind is made

I am still torn

Sad to leave

Happy to go

This is all I have

This is all I need

My mind is torn

Torn but made

To stay is to be

To go is to what

Is the choice correct

What can be done

I leave behind these

Go back to some

Is it forwards

Is it backwards

I cannot decide

I am going I know

For good I do not

Future undetermined

What will happen to me

Stay or go

Who knows where it leads

Thoughts in my Head

to shy to say i like you

to shy to say i care

to shy to say i need you

to shy to say i want you here

i wish i could explain

everything i feel

i wish i could explain

the thoughts in my head

my mind is bursting 

full of things left unsaid

my heart is expanding

pressure of feelings unread

i wish i could tell 

just how i feel

i wish i could tell

just how i think

i wish i could share

the thoughts in my head

Circle

new life
new birth
a surprise
a gift
sent from wherever
to be loved by you
sent from wherever
to be loved by you
something so small
so fragile
so innocent
grows up so fast
grows up to soon
still there to be loved
to be loved by you
to be loved and to love
through everything
new life
new birth
something so small
continues the circle
grows up so fast
continues the circle

Secrets of mine

The things always there

Impossible to say

Impossible to hear

Its always there

Inside of me

No-one else can hear

My screaming inside

Im calling out to everyone

Listen please do

Its out there to find

Look please do

I may keep it hidden

But truly I do

I want you to see

I want you to know

Its hard to share

I can’t do it

Secrets of mine

Hidden inside

Dig deep do try

If you look you will find

I want you to

I think I do

Its hard to hold in

To hard to let out

I hold on to this fear

It cannot escape

I want to share

I think anyway

Listen

Look

You might like what you find

But fear holds me back from giving outright

Secrets of mine

Hidden inside

HIS

Follow the screaming

Terror emerges from the darkest depths of soulless living shells

The mind decays in Deaths new found grasp

Struggle as you wish

No escape nears

You are HIS

No light penetrates

Darkness for ever more 

written January 2011

Death

I am in HIS decaying grasp

STUCK

Death becomes you

HE RASPS

I succumb to HIS will

He is too strong

I FADE

written January 2011

Naked

Naked

Bloodied

Dying

Death surrounds me

Drawing me in

The earth bucks

I am flying

Falling

Released from deaths grasp

I crumple to the ground’

Naked

Bloodied

Living

written January 2011