Sinners

All these religious folks calling other people sinners all the time.
Everyone's a fucking sinner.
They should just get the fuck over themselves and behave in a way Jesus actually fucking preached, with love and kindness for all... Ellen has said it again and a-fucking-gain, "Be kind to each other."
And don't judge me for swearing fuckface.

When will it end

Sometimes I find it hard to see the light
It's been about a month since J died and it's not getting any easier
Every day is a struggle
Little things bug me
I'm finding it really hard to deal with family, mostly E, she has a habit of making random remarks which she probably doesn't mean anything by but I can't help but take them to heart at the moment.
Everything hurts
Getting out of bed is a struggle
Even dealing with Kitty can be a challenge
When will it all end
When will the tears stop
Everyone else seems to be moving on
Everyone is enjoying looking at photos, relieving memories
I can't do it
I can't take the looking back
It swallows me deeper into this big hole
I am consumed by emotion
When will I see the light

Grief

It hits like a sledge hammer to the heart
It knocks the wind out of your body
It knocks the light out
Everything is dark

You don't know what to do
How to feel
How to act
You wonder if it will ever be right again

Your world-view gets twisted
Does it even matter?
Does anything even matter?
Why are you still here when the other person isn't?
Why were they taken?

You get angry
At DEATH
At the world
At everything

People around you continue on with their lives
How?
Why?

People laugh
How?
Why?

There is nothing there
Nothing inside
Nothing but a pit of darkness
A pit of sad

Then something reminds you of the person
And sometimes it makes you smile
A song
Sometimes it makes you cry
An item of clothing
Sometimes it makes you confused about whether you want to smile or cry
An idea

You know eventually it will get better
Eventually
You cling to this thought with all your might
It won't always be like this

Slowly
Slowly
Slowly
It will get better

Falling Apart

I feel like I'm falling apart inside
So many unanswered feelings
I said I was over it
Over you
I said I wasn't going to waste my feelings
Waste my thoughts

You creep in to my head
Unbidden
I see you everywhere
In everything

How do I close it?
Close you
Move on

Do I cut you out completely?
Would that be easier?
Should I learn to close my mind?
Close my eyes?

One day maybe I shall find a way.

Something's gone

I gave myself to you
   more than you know
That piece of me that was yours
   now lays smashed on the floor

What we once had
   we shall never get back
My trust is gone
   there is no return

I still want to know you
   I will be here for you
But my eyes and my heart weep
   for the lost comfort I may no longer seek

I'm sorry for the burden
   I put onto you
Be well, Live well
   until next we meet

For my beautiful on her birthday -14/4/2015

To my beautiful lovely creature

You are my sunshine when it’s cloudy

My light when it’s dark

You are my strength when I’m weak

You are my rock when I feel like I’m on a crumbling coast

You are my love, my primary, my precious

Feelings

Feelings
Emotions
The curse of humanity
The bane of existence

Why do these feelings jump unbidden into my heart
I was doing so well
Friends was going good
But the feelings remain there from another time

They make me feel two-faced
Untrustworthy
I stand and smile while underneath
The thoughts and the feelings
Hidden inside scream to be let out
Beg me to shout

But I don't
Inside they remain
I forsake my true feelings for friendship
Friendship I couldn't bear to lose

xx