Discovering Self

So I guess I'm still figuring shit out. This year I made a wee resolution to myself when unpacking my clothes into my new flat- I realised that I actually own quite a few dresses and skirts, upon this realisation I decided that I will attempt to wear them more often- at first I saw this as a challenge to myself, a removal of my comfort zone that I have found myself falling into, the zone of identifying as butch, I wore ties, pants, waistcoats- I was stuck into my own little box, I couldn't be anything else, I had to butch. I wasn't/couldn't be pretty, I had to be butch. Until the ultimatium to myself- wear more dresses- so i did... and enjoyed it. I found myself enjoying myself in dresses and skirts- enjoying my feminity- I found I could still be myself in skirts, dresses, garter belts and heels, I found myself trying to make excuses for reasons to wear skirts or dresses- for some reason i needed an excuse, I couldn't wear one just because I wanted to... until very (very) recently. Thursday just gone (28th march) I found myself (once again) getting ready for my regular drinks night and I found myself wearing... a skirt, for no reason than I wanted to. I also found myself teaming it up with a shirt, sweater vest, instead of going more femme with my top half as I usually would, because I wanted to... I wore boots with fishnets... a garter belt teamed with suspenders... I wore eyeliner and a touch of eyeshadow... because I felt like it... I wore what I wanted and I felt comfortable... I felt good... I felt like me... and I felt less self concious of how I look than in a loooooooong time... it was fantastic.
I feel like I am rediscovering myself. I feel like i am becoming myself. I am becoming more me than ever... and I am LOVING IT!!!!

Panic

It comes and goes
the pain
the panic
the sad desire
where it comes from i know not
it comes like a storm
slowly brewing
forceful it takes hold
the darkness grows around my mind
intercepting my thoughts
influencing my dreams
controlling my decisions
holding me in its grasp
i fear it will never relinquish
it will never release
it comes and it goes
the pain
the panic
the sadness